he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
