I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
