God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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