What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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