I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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