help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
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sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
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I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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