somebody snuck up and got me drunk
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
