I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
