You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
