my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
