You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.