I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
