You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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