I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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