I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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