it hurts more in the daytime
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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