if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
