when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
it was like eating out sand paper
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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