I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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