True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
