you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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