Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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