my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Is it because I queefed?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
