I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
