I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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