Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
