I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
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