How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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