You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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