Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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