oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
