Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
