I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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