he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
