Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
you made out with another girl for some wings
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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