Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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