i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
