I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
