I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
