I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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