I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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