I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I pour the whiskey from now on
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
