She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
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Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
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I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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