you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
