I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
