I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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