Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
