i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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