i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
