My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
