Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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