I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
