i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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