I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
